the CRY of my heart!!

"untitled"

2008-11-10T08:53:00.000-08:00

*sigh*

things are as obscure as it is. . . .
sometimes i tend to wonder. . . . .
what am I going after in life. . .
what am I doing and for what reasons. .
choices that I personally make...
and...
the things I stand up for. . .

what's the purpose of everything...
that you do...

if you'd just stop . . . . .
take some time alone and
ponder. . . .
about the ongoing things around you. . .

does it seem right?
is it the right path you're taking in life?
or are you just blindly following the
ways of your peers and the
influence around you. . . .

sometimes.
its not about fitting in. . .
its about standing out!

and honestly speaking. . .
or should i say. . . . typing? lol. .
I've always try to fit in. . .
and to have a sense of belonging. .

most of us don't perceive it. . .
but that's what we're constantly doing. .

its the insecurity in us that sometimes
act out. . .

it constantly happens to me. . .
and i realize that soon enough though. . . .

its who you are when you're standing alone. . .
are you able to pull yourself together
and walk up as yourself?

or are you going to be hidden
in the background. . .

its the sense of belonging that
makes us feel "ourselves"
when we're "in" with the flow. . .

but if you're different
and standing up for what you believe
in. . . that is yourself!

you don't need all that. . . .
you don't need people's confirmation
or appraisal to feel "in". . .

its all about your own concept in mind. . .
on how you feel about yourself. . .

that's my whole
new "thing" in life. . .
lol..

----------------------------

sounds awkward in a way. . .
sorry about the messed up compilation
of my blog. . . .
i didn't really know how to do it better..

~SUNNY~

and yet another series of. . . . . . . .

2008-11-08T08:42:00.000-08:00

*sigh*
things occurring around me seems to
be obscure..

a lot of which i can't clarify...
for the past few days..
I've been pleading and "ellucidating"
a lot of things(but no yet all). . .

for the moment.. she gives in..
but the next. . . . . . . rejection..
constantly facing this everyday
really shatter's me..

though she treated me "raucously". . .
but the next time she says "yes"(a chance)..
i still trust her.. whole heartedly!
with no doubt..
overfilled with joy.. i continue my day..

and yet again... another series of devastating
rejection. . . . . takes place once more. . .

sometimes. . . i honestly felt like a toy..
being pushed aside whenever you like..
and taking it back again when you want to...

i gave my all.. surrendered everything..
but i still cannot understand why
was i treated so. . . .

tears of sorrows,anguish and confusion
are felt "flowing" from the
eyes that saw great beauty and love deep
in her heart during the past. . .
having face this everyday is really
hard. . .
to put everything you have into someone..
hoping for the best. . .
but recieving the unexpected. . .
spells p-a-i-n. .
but putting more into it and hope again..
and rejected repeatedly. . . .

it really is something we can't actually
depict. . . .

but now that I'm
having the chance. . . .
i still trust it. . . .
fully. . . . . . . . . . . .but in fear.

doing my best to show that
I'm not who i was. . .
diverged from the old self into a new person. .

I'm aware that she's still with Thomas. .
but unsure of where their relationship stands. .

earlier on in the "convie"
i had with her. . .
she said later on you'll not trust me
already. . i asked her why. .
she said nothing. .
sceptically asking again, she said its because
I was somehow "toyed" earlier on. . .

i sensed through her voice
that it lacks assertiveness in what she said. .
I can't help but to have
a hunch on what she said. . .
not that i want it. .
but it just happened. . .

but whatever it is. . .
I'm trying to make provisions
for the possibilities that might happen. . .

currently having deranging thought's in my
mind. . .
but I'll deal with it. . . .

*sigh*

~SUNNY~

and again!

2008-11-03T08:57:00.000-08:00

another day goes by. . . .
getting worse than it was. . .

well. .
not only was my job tiring. .
so is my life!

I tried sorting things out with her. .
again...
but. . .
since her trust in me has faded. .
she doubts that if i were given a chance to be with her again..
i wouldn't treat her right!

things started to exacerbate
when he called me. . .
though it wasn't brought directly
to me. . .
but its conspicuous that he wants me
to back out!

well. . .
a guy who's matured should see this clearly. . .
things happened fast...
she's hurt. . .
deeply. . .
she meets him. . .
and found out that she could share
things with him. . . .
and it just so happen's that he comprehends
the situation. . .
and he has "it" for her. . .
its common for someone to fall
in a relationship during the period
after break up's..
when the wound is still
"fresh"

since she could somehow confide
in that guy. . .
and he lets his feelings
take place in his action's. . .
he confessed. . .
and. . she fell for it. .

well. . .
its really hard for me to accept the fact that she did. . .
but dude. . .
she's just seeking refuge. .
and it coincidently happened
that she bumped into you. .
and found the refuge. . .
she's confused. . .
of how she really feels

and her feelings were manipulated by you. . .
a guy like you can actually
fail to see that. . .
gosh. .

now that you're with her. . .
you want me to back out
and just let go?

i understand though. .
that you might be better than me in certain
aspects. . .

but why not
just let me elucidate to her..
before anything has to be done. .
why didn't you?!!

well. .
on my point of view. . .
you acted too fast. . .
based on how you feel. . .
you should plough in more
time. .
and understand the situation
and see how it goes. . .

I have to admit though. . . . .
I did take a wrong step
in doing something i didn't mean to. . .

but it really didn't seem
quite equitable to me. . .
i did not get a
chance to do anything. . . .
then you acted. . .

if you would please. . .
just let her go!!!!!!

some of you out there
might wanna diverge what
i said. . . . to me.
but if you would truly
understand . .
you wouldn't. . . .

Thomas let her go. . .
its just refuge she seeks. . .
to confide in. . .

and it so happen's that you came into
the picture. . .
please. . . . . . .
let her go!

~SUNNY~

crap!!!

2008-11-02T09:35:00.000-08:00

well...
here goes..

life.. as usual it sucked!!!
but.. this time...
it altered a lil'...

it went down... hard...

it came to my knowledge recently...
that just after we broke up..

she's been seeing a guy...
i would "label" him as "sms"..
its in short for something i'd rather not
state here...

its only from my point of view...
so i guess it doesn't really matter...

anyway...
hearing her say that she's currently with
"sms"...
i wasn't very convinced..
i had a hunch that it was just to..
urm..
somehow.. used to make me literally
leave behind the past.. and just move on..

until she requested to send me
images of them...
together. . . . . .

at the very moment i was...
speechless..
more than convinced.. it was very
much staggering in fact!
not only that...
i asked for a chance..
well..
surely i didn't see that coming...
but. . .
she wanted me to be her "lil bro"(crushed!!!)

i. . . . . . erm. . .
i threw up immediately after we hung up..
the pain was crucial and it hurt so
much, i just threw up...

not only that i lost someone
which was a big part of me and my life..
she just got over the matter quick enough
to be with someone else..
its only faintly more than a week..
had the breaking up occured. . .
things happened..
in blistering speed of time

when i just came to my senses
of where i was standing...
where i've gone wrong through
the relationship..
I was immensely
determined to change every
part of me..
utterly...
capitulating my life into it. . . .

things start to crumble..
everything went blank...
all I could do..
was just to confess and
elucidate a lil bit of
everything. . . .

virtuely..
i really don't know how it went...
but..
i did what i could..

i tried calling her a while after we hung up..
i couln't get through the first few calls..
when i eventually did...

the cry of a broken heart..
lost in confussion..
and rather bogged down in a dilemma
was heard through the the line...

she'd just ended a "convie"
with "sms"..
i didn't know what went on in that..
i asked.. but right away i knew that
i was no one to know about it...
so.. i left it aside...

she asked for some time though...
to calm down and ponder about "it"(to gimme a chance to be with her once again)
first. . . . .
i just agreed...
knowing that my chances are..
somewhat five percent??

but..
whatever it is..
if it was GOD's will that we're not
together... then so be it..
its not like i can do anything... (well, besides wining her heart back)
I just have to live up to it...

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

guys...
appreciate what you have
before its gone..
you'll never know when or where..
treasure those beside you..
and before you make any
settlement..
think more than twice..
WHAT HAS BEEN DONE,HAS BEEN DONE..
THERE'S NO TURNING BACK TO IT!
even if there is.. will things ever be the same again??

what I'm facing now..
is far more devastating than how it actually sounds..
the root of this setback..
it all trails up to
me!

its all because of words and
settlements that were concluded
based on my personal feelings..
before thinking..
its already being uttered out in words that
pierced the heart of the one i love...

before i perceive anything..
its already too late...
too late to take it back..
it has been said..
so is the damage done..

its what i regret in life!!!
MOST!
constantly facing this
shortcoming of mine.. its hard!!

- - - - - - - - - -

though this post is rather jumbled
and slightly confusing..
its most likely because
of deranging tought's
racing through my mind..
its hard to write in this
state...
sorry...

~SUNNY~

what have i done!

2008-10-28T08:03:00.000-07:00

Gosh!!!! it all seemed like it just happened a split
second ago.

i just broke up with her...
for some reasons that. . .
i don't even know.
it happened about 2 weeks ago.

she meant the world to me.
and i just let go of it.

now that i comprehended the situation
and what I've done..

its already far too late for a change.
i really can't believe that only after two weeks
can I only realize how much devastation have i caused
in both parties.

this is one huge mistake I've done..
most likely..
the worst mistake that I'll ever make..

I'm living life on the edge now.
its all so contrasting..
everything seemed so fine.
being loved and care by someone with such significance
to me is all I ever needed.

though there were times when we argued..
I have the tendency to be petulant ..

but I can't possibly blame her for that..
she was NEVER wrong!!
but thats what i did..

I REALLY REALLY regret upon the huge
blunder that I've made...
though its obviously too late
for me to realize.
but. . . . what can i possibly do??

I didn't actually have the chance to apologize
upon the unreasonable act. . . .

i tried calling..
she didn't pick up..
but I met her online today..

and i was like "hey"
"hating me?"

i recieved an unexpected "what's your problem?"
*sigh*
i tried reaching her by her cell,
she. . . . . switched it off-ed..

I guess i REALLY REALLY did
"mortify" her this time...
how i wish i can take back whatever I've said to her...
gosh!!

but . . . . . its too late.
nevermind it...
just wished i had
just a minute to talk and explain
everything to her. *sigh*

my life sucks!!!
totally!
and Nicholas..
he's gone to singapore..
who else is there to talk to??
to confide my "soul". . . .

at this point of life everything seems to just fall apart!
if there's just anyone out there
that might be a help..
please do..

i'm somehow in a life crisis!!!
ugh!!
gosh!!!
i wished i could just fall in a deep sleep for a long time. . .
and not gain consciousness from it till all the pain and
troubles resides. . .

life is too devastating for me to live in..
hatiN every moment of it...
well. . . . . at least most of it. . . . .
HATE ME!!!!

~SUNNY~

2008-10-18T10:47:00.000-07:00

at certain points in life...
we do need our own time and personal space..
hidden in shadows of our own...
cut out from social life and the world...*temporarily

but having to face that all the time is just driving me..
somehow into "depression"
is been quite a while that I'm facing this...
it really no easy

honestly... i do not have a social life...
its really hard for me that i don't...
I just got cut out of it before i even had it..
well.. this situation might sound awkward...
some might have in mind that i just choose not to
mix around...

but that's not really it...
some reason's lay behind this prob' I have...
A few which I find hard to face...

sometimes...
i really did wish i had one...
an outcast... is basically what i have in mind of
myself...
being a "lone ranger" isn't a nice thing...
though it might seem "cool" at times...
but trust me...
there's no fun in it... the pain can sometimes be dreadful...
literraly...

I really wish that I have a social life of my own...
working on it...
well... stuck actually...
not knowing how or what i should do to achieve it..
*sobz